Say Nothing, Do Nothing

If you spot your ex from across the room, you may have a better chance of beating a hasty retreat. It is sometimes wiser to avoid or ignore rather than confronting the person if you are unsure how you are going to react. Old feelings may creep in and some may not be very positive.  It may be better to let bygones be bygones as both of you are in different places in life.

If your ex chooses to come up and speak to you, then it’s a different case. Don’t be rude. Don’t bring up past issues. And don’t pry into their life and current situation. It’s better not to know and depending on how bitter your ex may be, he or she may spin a web of lies just to make you feel like they are better off without you. This never makes any person feel good about themselves and it’s not worth putting yourself through the hassle.

Sometimes you may come face to face with your ex without you or him/her choosing to do so. It may be awkward for both of you, so don’t make it any worse by saying something inappropriate. Greet the other person, ask them how they are keeping and if you are forced to still be in the person’s presence, then direct the conversation to the current social setting or something relevant. An air of awkward silence may just lead you or the other person to dig up something about the past which can start with an innocent question about a mutual friend or your career.

Life After Seeing the Ex

An experience with your ex after months or years of not having seen each other can have an effect on any person. You may think about them more often for the next few days or weeks. You may wonder “what if”. You may even be tempted to give them a call. But don’t get carried away with a little nostalgia. These feelings will pass with time and if things couldn’t work in the past, there is no reason to assume that it can be different now. More than anything you may be setting yourself up for an emotional rollercoaster once again.

It’s not abnormal to feel a little down after seeing an ex. This is especially true if you both had strong feelings for each other but things had to end for whatever reason. It’s also not uncommon to feel a little bad if you see your ex with a new partner. You may feel worse if you are still single while the other person has moved on in life. But don’t let it get to you – it’s only human to go through a range of emotions after bumping into the other person. Just don’t get carried away with your feelings and react on it.

Times change and people grow but there is but one constant in relationships, and that is trust. Where there is trust, there may eventually come love, but it all starts with honesty on the first date. It’s pretty much cut and dry, whatever you do, do not lie on the first date.

Being open with the other person is important, especially if they have told you something rather personal. And being open means being honest, and not making up stuff to either look good or be somebody that you are not. There is nothing worse than knowing that you have poured your heart out to a person only to have them lie to you when you thought they were reciprocating. Dishonesty is a form of betrayal and it will come back to bite you later on even if you think that it is a harmless white lie.

Honesty does not mean that you have to reveal your deepest darkest secret to the other person. This is never a good idea, especially not on the first date. After all, it is only human to be a bit judgemental and when a person does not know you too well, they may make assumptions based on your revelations. However, honesty can be as subtle as revealing the type of meal that you enjoy even if the other person does not. Or just having a different opinion on a specific issue. There is no harm in being different – compatibility does not mean that both of you will always like the same things, or feel the same way about topical issues.

Most importantly though, lying means that you will get caught out eventually and if this is sooner, rather than later, it may harm the prospects of a serious relationship in the future. Imagine saying something only for the person to find out that you lied by talking to a common acquaintance.  It does not bode well for future dates or exploring the possibility of a relationship any further.

But honesty also has its limits. There is a difference between honesty and criticism and this is what some people don’t understand. Learn a little diplomacy.  Telling a date that the outfit they chose to wear is awful, is not honesty, it’s an insult. Learn to give out compliments that are real, that are honest. If you really don’t have anything nice to say, rather say nothing, especially on the first date. What you may think is honesty and being open about yourself can come across the wrong way and hurt a person, especially for somebody who does not know you well but is interested in getting to know you better.

]]> http://www.injuredhearts.com/being-honset-on-the-first-date.htm/feed 0 http://www.injuredhearts.com/who-should-make-the-second-date.htm http://www.injuredhearts.com/who-should-make-the-second-date.htm#comments Sun, 29 Aug 2010 19:08:55 +0000 Amy http://www.sorrynotes.com/?p=176 Back in the “old days”, it was up to the guy to ask for a second date. But times have changed, and now it’s acceptable for either party to make the second date. So it’s not really a gender issue but rather a matter of who asked on the first date and who should take the lead to set up the second rendezvous. It really shouldn’t be a one sided approach – he can’t be asking you out on every date, making the arrangements and so on.

Most importantly though, if you are both highly compatible and had a wonderful time on the first date, does it really matter who should make the second date? You may be the old-fashioned type and expect him to call you up for the second date. But if he made the effort to schedule the first date, he may be wondering whether he should be taking the initiative to set up the second date. Or is it like him dragging you along while you aren’t all that interested? Guys are not very apt at figuring out this stuff.

After the first date, its easier for a girl to do it, by saying “We had such a great time going bowling the other night, that I’d like to see if I can beat you at golf now?” for instance. Hopefully he didn’t take you bowling on the first date! Tying it in to the first date, whether you are a guy or a girl is what makes it easy to ask for that second date. Bringing up what you did and mutually enjoyed on the first date lays the foundation for negotiating the next encounter.

Some people are hard to read. If you are unsure whether or not the other person had as great a time as you did, then definitely jump in with both feet to ask for a second date whether you are a guy or a girl. You would never know otherwise and you have nothing to lose. Chances are that both of you had a great time, and either party is more than ready for a second date.

Guys, if she’s the kind of girl who likes her man to take charge, there’s no better time to show her that you can do so, than asking for that second date. Nobody likes an indecisive man. You’d already have been out with her, and you should have been able to gauge her interests. Women are easier to read as they are not trying to act “macho”.  If you are setting up the second date, try to use the information you gathered on the first date to make a decision about the venue and activity. For instance if she spoke about going to college and taking up art as a major, be bold and ask her to go to an art show, or to an art museum even if its not your cup of tea. You may be surprised as to how much you could learn and what a wonderful date it may turn out to be.

Blind Date

Blind dates can be awkward as you can never be sure of who you are meeting with and how you will relate to them. If you have not had any previous contact with your blind date, then you are in an even more difficult situation as you have no idea of what or who you will face on that first date. While friends and family who set up the blind date may have good intentions and glorify the other person, at the end of the day you are meeting a real person with real flaws that may not be tolerable to you.

Fortunately breaking up after the first date in the event of a blind date scenario is usually easier, although it may be just as awkward. On one hand you do not want to upset the person who set up the blind date. On the other you know that there is zero expectations because it was a blind date and no reasonable person would have preconceived expectations of a relationship although your date may have taken an interest in you after the first date.

Telling your date that you don’t think that you are compatible and would not be interested dating is the best way to approach it. You are being straightforward without being rude and the other person should not take offense by it or slander you afterwards. Of course if you get nasty unnecessarily, you may find that your date will portray you in a poor light afterwards. Explaining to the friend who set up the blind date should also not cause any tension within your friendship. Simply indicate that the person they set you up with is not the type of person you would be interested in for a romantic relationship but thank them for attempting to assist you with a match.

First Date After Communicating

Sometimes the first date comes after weeks or even months of phone calls, text messages and emails. You may have got to know the person a little without meeting face to face but this does not mean that you will find them interesting after the first date. If you do not want to pursue a relationship or continue with a second date, then you will find this type of situation a bit more difficult to deal with.

If both you and your date are not attracted to each other then it may be easy to end it at that point and walk away. But all too often one person is interested while the other is not. If you are not, then you will have to be direct. Remember that you have been communicating with this person for a while and there is no point beating around the bush. If you do so, the person may misunderstand your attitude for caution or uncertainty rather than rejection.

Be direct. Tell him or her that it was an interesting few weeks of calls and emails but you do not see any reason to pursue it further. If you find the person remotely interesting, tell them directly that you don’t mind being friends, although not  close pals, but that is as far as it will go. Avoiding their emails or calls will not help in the long run. While some people may get the hint, being ignored can just motivate others to pursue harder. In some situations this can border on stalking and just make your life miserable. Tell the person directly and inform any mutual friends about how you feel. Even if the person does not get the hint or take your break up seriously, you will have the support of mutual friends to tell him or her to back off.

Nagging is not only about what your partner does and says to you. Nagging actually stems from within your partner’s mind. The issue or problem is playing in their mind to such a degree that after a while they have to enact it – either by tormenting you or lashing out at others. Different things bother different people. Of course, there are some things that bother all of us – like an affair, flirting with an old flame, boozing with your buddies without calling home first. And then there are some partners who are perturbed by the smallest thing – you left the cap off the toothpaste tube, you did not get the car washed or you told your mother exactly what you were wearing today.

The offense varies but the punishment is usually the same – a repeated verbal/non-verbal bashing. Your partner feels that by eliciting a response from you, then they can put the matter to rest in their mind. They do not realize that the problem may only be perceived at times and the issue lies more with their emotions and in their mind than it does in reality. So now that you understand why they do it, what can you do to deal with it?

First placate the situation and pacify the situation. If she expects you to say sorry, then do it. If he expects you to admit you were wrong then just say it. Once you have calmed your partner down, try to discuss their behavior with them in a rational manner. Never lash back or start nagging them about other issues. This just leads to conflict.

Second, if they are willing to address the problem, try to find out why a small issue becomes such a big deal. Maybe it is an issue from childhood or a bad experience in a previous relationship. Remember that if you are openly flirting with her sister then you are sure to get nagged about it for the rest of your life. Sometimes there is no past event that triggered this response but rather an insecurity within your partner. Nagging is a form of control and they feel that if they can get you to bend to their will, even for the most mundane things, then they have control.

Thirdly discuss how you feel when you are being nagged and explain that the situation cannot go on. Some people do not realize just how deeply their nagging can impact another. Address the issue in a calm manner when tempers are cooled and the situation is peaceful. If at the end of the day all your efforts proved fruitless, then you have to be straightforward with your partner and express your unhappiness about their behavior. This may prompt them to look more carefully at why they nag and be open to addressing the issue or risk losing you.

Meet Singles Via Online Dating

You can meet heaps of singles online and get to know them at your own pace. Meeting people online is way less threatening than approaching someone in person. Plus you can meet many more people online in a shorter period of time.

If you don’t want to rely on online dating alone, we have a few other suggestions for you. No we are not going to ask you to lurk about clubs, coffee shops, supermarkets etc. Seriously, who goes grocery shopping and hopes to find a date at the same time? Don’t laugh…we have ve read that suggestion on more than one blog.

Meeting Singles Through Friends

Get some friends together, ask them to bring their friends along and have a party. Instead of always sticking to your own circle, meet some new people. If you’re not a fan of meeting random new people, this could be a safer and better way of extending your social circle.

Take Up An Activity/Hobby To Meet Singles

A hobby class is a great way to meet new people. Plus, when you meet someone who’s taking the same class as you, you know they’re also interested in the same things as you. Group fitness classes, a weekend cooking course, surfing lessons, language classes are just a few of the ideas I can think of off the top of my head.

Meeting Singles At Work

Heaps of couples have met their other half at work despite the fact that most workplaces discourage such romances! It could be complicated dating someone from work, especially if you break up later. Nonetheless, it can’t be denied that work is a pretty great place to meet other singles.

Singles Group & Speed Dating Meets

There are many singles groups out there that organise events for singles and some even organise travel tours. You could join one of these groups and meet others at these events.

Speed dating is also a popular dating trend that’s catching on. You basically meet heaps of people for a few minutes each (hence the use of the word “speed”!) and if you find someone you like, you can take it from there.

We haven’t tried either but we are not sure if there’s enough time to get to know someone at a singles event or speed dating. If anyone has, we would love to hear from you.

The most important bit of advice we can give to all of you: don’t wait around. If you want to meet new people and go out on dates, you need to take an active interest in your own dating life. Don’t wait for the perfect person to just waltz into your life. Just make a conscious effort, and you will soon be meeting heaps of new people.

First Me

Being selfish and putting your needs and wants first is not always a bad thing. It is pointless taking back a cheating partner when you will be miserable, and probably make them miserable as well. In the end, the misery will just filter through to every part of the relationship and your life. Even if you have a child, your kid may rather have two happy parents living apart rather than quarreling parents under the same roof. However there is a limit to how selfish you can be? Don’t be ridiculous in any claims or conditions you may make in order to take back a cheating spouse. Be realistic. You either want to be in the relationship with that person or not. Don’t think that terms and conditions will improve anything or make the past go away. And taking back a cheating partner is not a licence for you to torture them emotionally.

Relationship Guarantees

There is NO guarantees in life. Not when it comes to people. Not when it involves emotions. And definitely not when you have a partner who has a wandering eye. It my make you feel a little better to have the cheating party promise that they will never do it again. You may feel that a new “expression of your love” by either getting engaged, moving in together, getting married or even having a baby seals the deal that he or she will not cheat again. This is just you being delusional. If you need to guarantee your partner’s fidelity then you are wasting your time and theirs. This is not what relationships are about. You either need to trust that your partner will not do it again (a difficult task) or let your partner go free. Don’t try to hold onto a relationship and just get deeper into circumstances in the hope of a guarantee to ensure that the situation will never repeat itself.

Identify the Problem

You need to ask yourself why you partner cheated. And then you need to get a straight answer from your partner. Maybe he is tired of looking at you all day in those grubby rags. Maybe she was wooed by the new hot guy in the office. Whatever the case, there is a reason. Sometimes it can be more complicated relating to intimacy issues between a couple. And at other times it may just be straightforward lust. Whatever the cause or reason, you have to find out. The fact that you did not see  this coming means that you don’t know your partner as well as you thought. You obviously don’t know what makes them tick. Or your relationship is not worth enough that they will sacrifice it for a quick roll in the hay. Of course, this may be all too simple. There may be many other serious, complex and deep seated issues that led to infidelity. Whether that can ever be an excuse to cheat is left to the individuals, not to their friends, family and the rest of the peanut gallery.

Reconciliation after Cheating

It is difficult to take back a person once they have cheated. Even if your anger subsides, just knowing that they have been intimate with another person, probably enjoyed it and hid it is in a way, a violation of your emotions. What you thought existed, what you felt for your partner, what you believed was mutual – it all suddenly becomes a question of whether you imagined it or is it all gone forever.

Being intimate with that person will be the most difficult part of your relationship. Knowing that they are touching you with the same hands, sharing the same passion and saying the same loving words that they shared with another person is hard for any sincere person to accept. But if you are thinking of getting back with your cheating partner, it is important to realize that letting them back through that door is only one step to the start of a whole new relationship.

While the media has painted the picture that Russian brides can simply be ordered off the internet, the reality is a different ball game. Russian women are smart and educated and look to marriage agencies and internet dating sites because they are frustrated with the lack of results in finding a good husband by themselves.

World War II and Stalin’s concentration camps claimed over 20 million Soviet lives and 90% of these were men and Russian statistics have shown that the Russian women have outnumbered the men in their country in the current century. This is the main reason for them looking abroad for a life partner.

2. Looking For A Kind, Caring, Family Oriented Man
Russian women look abroad for a serious relationship. They are not interested in a fling and are looking for love, respect and security from their man. They value a man who has a steady job and a stable, healthy life. In fact, several internet dating sites have said that the keywords most used by Russian women in their search for a partner are, “kind”; “caring”; “serious”; “family oriented” etc. This Russian woman, true to form, is looking for an honest, family oriented, caring man.

Russian women are educated and smart, and are not looking to be slaves, but simply good wives to their men. So if you’ve just finished a 20-year sentence, and want to turn on your latent charms, I’d suggest you try a different breed of women.

3.    Age No Bar

Unlike Western women, Russian women aren’t too worried about age. So if you’re 40, you’re not out of league for 20 year-olds yet! But don’t jump the gun; make sure you’re not marrying a potential gold digger!

4.    Keep It Simple

When communicating with a Russian lady, use uncomplicated English. While the Russians are taught English at school, it is always hard communicating in a foreign language. This beautiful Russian lady is frustrated with her search for men in her country and is now looking elsewhere, and though her English language ability is limited, she is not limiting herself in her search for Mr. Right.

No, saying “vodka” thrice a week is not proof of your command over the Russian language! So while you practice your Russian skills, use simple language until you find out exactly what level of English communication your lady is capable of.

5.    Make Communication Easy

Facilitate communication as much as possible. As stated before, use basic and easy-to-understand English. Go a step further, and get your letter translated in Russian so you are assured of your message crossing over to the other side. If you’re sending her letters in the mail, it’s often a great idea to enclose a SASE (Self Addressed Stamped Envelope), just so she knows you are eager to get to know her through her reply. Also, always remember to include your contact details in your communication, so she knows how to reach you.

Think about it, this added effort will probably make her heart melt and I can almost hear her going “awww…” (or whatever the Russian equivalent is!)

6.    Be The Man

Russian women have some old-fashioned ideals and they believe the man should pay when they’re together. So don’t expect your Russian lady to offer to go dutch on a date. That said; beware of scammers and gold diggers who are just using you as a cash cow. A respectable Russian woman has a lot of pride, and will not ask for money or expensive gifts from someone she barely knows.

7.    Go Russian

Educate yourself about Russia and its culture. Westerners are quick to stereotype and are often prone to a distorted perspective of other cultures. Read and find out more about your date’s culture. You could even find out by asking her questions. This will not teach you about Russia, but gain you some brownie points as well, for showing an interest in her.

8.    Preferred Countries

Surveys of the Russian demographic have shown that Russian women are usually interested in men from Western Europe, USA, Canada and Australia. Men from Japan, New Zealand, Singapore, South Korea, South Africa, Mexico, Argentina and other Christian countries are often a good catch too. However, Russian women tend to avoid men from Muslim countries.

Yippee for you if you’re from one of the countries listed above but hey, if you’re not, don’t lose heart. This is what the majority prefer, but there are exceptions to every rule so go ahead and give it a shot.

9.    Be Patient And Understanding

If your Russian lady decides to visit you in your country, be patient and understanding. Don’t expect her to be thankful because you haven’t rescued her from the jaws of poverty and corruption like you think! She is with you because she sees this as a prospective long term relationship, not as an escapee. And at present, she is simply trying to adjust to a different country and culture, and it is obviously very overwhelming for her. A lack of familiarity is often a big change to get used to. Imagine going to a country where you don’t understand the culture or the language.

So give her some time, and help her understand her new surroundings so it is less frightening for her.

10.    Meet The Family

If you meet her family or friends, make sure you take some presents with you. Guests in Russia are expected to bear gifts, and since you’re visiting from a foreign country, the gifts are expected to be foreign too. Also, be very respectful of her family as families are very important for Russian women and if they see you understand how important it is for them, they will love you and respect you more.

The rules can be endless and various, but at the end of the day, don’t forget to be yourself because she too is looking for a life partner so pretending to be someone you’re not would be cheating her. Be confident and most importantly, be honest – it’s attractive to every woman, Russian or otherwise. Use your differences as advantages not as obstacles and simply be open-minded and patient with each other. You’re sure to be a perfect match!

Tips For Blind Dating: Keep an open mind

Remember this is a blind date. You have never seen this guy before. Don`t form a mental image of him or have high expectations. You will only be disappointed if he is not how you imagined. You will know within the first few minutes whether you are attracted to him or not.

Short & Sweet Blind Dates

Don’t arrange to meet at the cinema, for dinner or anywhere else that could keep you together for more than an hour. Arrange to meet up for a coffee or during your lunch break. If you are not interested in the guy then you can make a quick exit, if you have only agreed to meet for half an hour or an hour and if you do like him then you can stay where you are or arrange to meet up again.

Geting Out Of The Blind Date

It is crucial when on a blind date that you have an escape route. You could get a friend to call you 30 minutes into the date and if you don`t like him you can make an excuse and leave and if you do like him then you can tell your friend to call you back later. (Remember to always let someone know where you are.)

Or you could tell him that you promised your friend you’d go shopping an hour after you and he planned to meet. If the date is going well, pretend to go call her to let her know that “you’re not up to going shopping.” Go shopping if you aren`t interested. You could get some friends to turn up at the meeting point and if things aren`t going well you can leave with them and if things are going well tell them you will meet up with them later.

Be Yourself On Your Blind Date

One of the biggest mistakes people make when going on a blind date is trying to be someone they aren’t.

When meeting someone for the first time, be yourself. Whether that means going all out or remaining casual, your personality will shine through only if you’re not trying to be something you aren’t. While first impressions are important, do not feel the need to wear heels on a Sunday if you’d normally wear flip-flop sandals. He wants to know who you are; not who you think he wants you to be.

Blind Dating: Stay Careful

While going on a blind date can be exciting and fun, remember that you have no firsthand knowledge about the person you are meeting. If you have been set up through mutual friends, they will most likely have a rough idea of your plans. But just in case, make sure someone knows exactly where and when you’re meeting.

If the person you are meeting is a complete stranger, however, you need to take even more precautions. Make sure someone knows your whereabouts, knows the name of the person you will be meeting, and how long the date is scheduled for. You may want to have a friend join you, or “run into you” about 15 minutes into the date to check up on you.

Who Pays On A Blind Date?

Make it clear from the start if you intend to pay for half of everything. You may not want to feel like you owe the guy anything.

Saying Goodbye To Your Blind Date

Parting after a blind date has the potential to be very awkward, but it doesn’t have to be! Should you kiss him, if you like him? Should you tell him you aren’t interested? It’s always best to do whatever you think feels right. If you are interested in going out with him again, make sure he knows it and tell him that you will call. If you aren’t interested in seeing him again, make sure that you let him know. It’s better to be honest then stringing him along to false hopes.

Getting To Know Your Blind Date

Pay close attention to the things he says, which can reveal a lot. Discussing taste in music, film, food, and art can be a great way to find out if you two have common interests – or nothing in common at all!

You should also look for common “warning signs” when on a blind date. If the guy does any of the following, watch out!

• Talks about his ex-girlfriend throughout the date.
• Doesn’t offer to pay for the first date (or the second, or third.)
• Speaks badly about his mother or ex-girlfriends.
• Treats the waiters, staff rudely or doesn’t tip.

Remember not everyone’s tastes are the same and there will be things about a guy that you do not like, such as baldness, lack of hygiene etc. Theses are your own warning signs so don`t ignore them.

Tips For A First Date

Make a Plan

You should always be a little prepared for a first date. You do not have to prepare for it like an examination or a job interview, but it may be a good idea to think about some conversation topics or even some questions you would like to ask them. Your date may or may not go according to plan but at least if you find yourself so nervous you don’t know what to say, you can fall back on your plan.
Where To Meet?
On a first date, you barely know the person so it is a definite no no if you are considering inviting them to your place. The best spot for a first date is somewhere public such as a coffee shop, a restaurant or even a park. This is not to say your date will be a psycho… but it is always safe to be surrounded by people when meeting someone for the first time. Also, in case you run out of things to talk about you can always look around and talk about something in your current environment.

Confidence Is The Key
Whether you are confident or not, it is important that you exude an air of confidence. It is possible that your date is just as, if not more, nervous than you are. Appear confident to your date and they are bound to be slightly impressed by you.

Compliments
Girls or boys irrespective, compliments are always appreciated by both men and women. Always compliment your date. However, be careful not to make it sound forced. Your compliment must be genuine and not simply sound like something you have been coached to say. Compliments work because flattery always makes a person feel happier.

Conversations

A good first date involves lots of great conversation between the two people. Of course, if you hit it off with your date this should be no trouble and the two of you will be comfortable conversing. However, if you do get stuck because of your nervousness, you can always ask your date some questions.

Remember not to keep talking about yourself and give your date a chance to talk as well. Asking them questions about them will show them you are interested and will also provide fodder for conversation.
Relax and remember to enjoy yourself. First dates can be a little terrifying because you do not know what to expect but once you break the ice, you will start enjoying yourself. Don’t stress too much, take a deep breath and enjoy your date.